bidabby

I met Yvonne yesterday. First time I've seen her in god knows how long. It was a chance meeting - me any my gfs were at a bar on Capitol Hill and she walks in with her new lover.  It's an awkward moment. I'm the one responsible for our breakup - that and my shadowy passenger. She was polite enough and introduced me to her new gf - she's about Yvonne's age, not particularly pretty, a little overweight (I'm not judging!), not too bright and so I was a little surprised.

Being fit was one of the things that really mattered to Yvonne - she used to tell me that she didn't have any respect for people who abuse their bodies - and intelligence was a must for her. Now I'm not saying that I'm particularly bright (after all I totally fucked up my relationship with Yvonne) but seriously!? The girl didn't even know where Israel was (S. America apparently...Para que conste, Israel está en el Medio Oriente - I'm learning Spanish in case Israel does decide to leave that troubled part of the world and settle down beside Chile - and no jokes about occupied territories). That kind of blew my mind away.  But she was nice. And that was the difference. After living with a bitch for so long, Yvonne decided she wanted a normal gf.

I never felt more alone and I couldn't stop crying last night

As my small community of friends may have read, I love sex. Abstinence for me is like not eating. It took me a long time to shed inhibitions that my strict upbringing burdened me with. I was a victim of many misunderstandings of what was appropriate for the libido of a woman. I was taught to eat salads when I really wanted to eat steak. 

With that in mind, I want to dispel certain flawed ideas about female sexuality.

It's a common myth that girls:
 - don't get as horny as boys. We do.
 - won't have sex at the drop of a hat if we were unconstrained by social norms (ie. being called a slut). 
 - need foreplay...ok that's not completely a myth. I love the buildup to the act - the touchy feely stuff. Usually my girlfriends like that too. Oh and I love spooning/cuddling after!
  - don't like being single. Bullshit. Being single is wonderful. After coming out of a relationship and being devastated by it, I welcome the respite and the casual sex that comes with it.
 - don't like porn. I do - I just call it erotica - sounds better and more feminine.  BTW a lot of porn sucks.

It's also a common myth that lesbians do it while wearing socks.  I can assure you, I don't. I wear socks after I do "it".  What can I say? -  I get cold feet.

There is a belief that we are wired differently and that we can't derive as much pleasure from the act itself. This belief runs deep. It stems from the idea of the virgin is the apotheosis of all possible states that a woman can occupy. It all goes downhill after a woman loses her virginity. (Which reminds me - someone should tell those dumbass suicide bombers that being granted 72 virgins for eternity is actually a pretty sucky deal - they should see how long that works out for them. Also, where does "He" get all those virgins????!!!). 

If virginity is the apotheosis of womanhood then it follows that the closer one is to that state, the purer one is. Let's look at this idea for a moment.

People don't like used property. The love of the virgin, therefore, is equivalent to saying that if a woman is not a virgin then she is used. ie. she is property. And who likes used cars - right? From this, the logical inference is that in most societies (including our own "enlightened" one) we are still seen as property and that the long hand of an ancient patriarchy  is still choking our sex drive.

In our so-called "modern society" why is being a virgin (or close to one) still a thing?

We want to fuck! So we should fuck away and be happy. Leave us alone!

I don't usually wade into politics but...

I'm not a huge fan of the Republican party to begin with...disclosure and all that...but I think that if they want to stay relevant to the other 80% of Americans who are actually not douchebags, they need to get their house in order.

I keep getting this picture of Fox and the GOP creating this monster with funny hair and saying "it's alive!!!!" - by the way, I'm convinced that the Donald is actually not a human being but a patchwork of human parts put together by someone who couldn't find hair but did manage to find a squirrel. 

He's getting WAAYYY more publicity than he deserves. Normally the conspiracy minded fringe gather in their mom's basements wearing tin caps but because someone made billions for him (ie. his employees), he gets the limelight. Actually, I believe that he is intelligent - a lot more intelligent than everyone gives him credit for. He's intelligent in the same way that Reverend Jim Jones or David Koresh were intelligent. He has the knack and charisma to enchant dumb (and/or evil) people and bring them to his cause. He's no Hitler even though he is pretty offensive but he is a demagogue and he has created the Cult of Donald.  Somewhere there is a middle aged woman in America whose understanding of the world is equivalent to that of the gopher living in her front yard who is willing to die for the man (or monster if you subscribe to my conspiracy theory - and for the record, I don't live in my mom's basement although that would solve some of my financial woes).

So what's the point of this journal entry?  I don't have a point.  But I do want to share my vision of a Trump America.  Firstly there's the Kim with the yuuuugggge ass who's his VP and the Kanye, his Secretary of State.  Never mind that they don't have any political viewpoint worth anything but then neither does he.  Kanye's first visit to Europe:  "Angela imma let you finish but the Donald is building a way better wall then you had". Then we must consider his National Security Advisor Ted Cruz who recommends carpet bombing the Middle East - doesn't care whom - "just somewhere over there." And of course the Attorney General, Ben Carson who wants to solve the problem of straight people going to prison and coming out gay (look it up).  Speaker of the House Ann Coulter manages to shepherd through a bill banning all those Muslims (especially the 5 year olds) - until "we figure out what's going on." She also squeaks through a bill replacing the stars on our flag with a beeaautifoool picture of Trump replete with "hair". Obama finds himself on a plane to Kenya.

Welcome to stage I of the Idiocracy.

And by the way, I'm 31 now - almost time to grow up.  Almost. 

Max Rover was a Siberian Husky who escaped from the Soviet Union during the time of Stalin to settle in Alaska where he drew sleds until he decided to become a writer. He authored a number of books and short stories describing his experiences as part of a sled dog team set against the backdrop of the stunning Alaska landscape.  One of his most poignant stories, however, was the Tale of Pebblebaum and Moritz, which took place in the Soviet Union.

The main character was a sheepdog by the name of Pebblebaum who was the kindest, gentlest dog in the world. He was the kind of dog you would like to have beside you when reading a book by a fireplace. The other character was the antagonist, Moritz. Moritz was a German Shepherd who worked as a guard dog at a gulag near Vladivostok. He was a mean, cold blooded dog that delighted in the pain of others. He personally hunted down an escaped prisoner and tore his throat out.
Pebblebaum's owner was a cruel man who beat and kicked Pebblebaum when he got drunk, which was more often than not. But Pebblebaum stayed loyal and never once left his master's side. Moritz, on the other hand, lived in relative luxury. Fresh meat every day, attention from the guards, plenty of exercise and the occasional hunting trip to catch an escaped prisoner.

In the story Pebblebaum was sitting in a bar in Vladivostok after his master had kicked him out in a drunken rage. There he met Moritz and so began a long discussion about fealty, the nature of dogs, the rights of dogs and morality. Moritz exhorted Pebblebaum to kill his master after hearing of Pebblebaum's maltreatment. Pebblebaum refused saying that even though his master was cruel and depraved, he could not bear to see a human die let alone kill one. In the end Moritz got so frustrated with Pebblebaum, he killed him. The moral of the story was that in the end a dog's nature surpasses all. A good dog will be a good dog and a bad dog will be a bad dog. 

Since then it is common in the dog world to describe a dog as either a Pebblebaum or a Moritz.

Among the ruins of my relationship with Yvonne is one particularly dark area: I'm realizing now that I'll never see Yates again (a wonderful, beautiful black retriever). Dogs are incredible animals - I sometimes used to joke that Yates was really a man covered in fur - would explain his obsession with his penis, his need to dry hump anything (four legs or two depending on the occasion), his aversion to bathing, grooming, and terrible table manners. Not that I'm trying to stereotype men or anything. 
I miss his stupid antics, his attempts to understand humans, his fascination with my slippers and his love of ducks. I think the reason why girls like dogs is that they bring out our maternal instinct. We start to see them as kids and we learn to read their moods and empathize with them when they feel miserable. And we are deeply offended when people make snide remarks about them.  Funny thing was that Yates could also sense when I was low and would come up and lay beside me and even let me play with his paws, which he normally never allowed. 
The first time I really started to care about dogs was when I moved to Israel. My mom had a cocker spaniel who was incredibly dumb but the cutest thing on the planet. Unfortunately, he died of pancreatic cancer - his death was really sudden and all the more shocking for it. I had a long hiatus after and then I started dating Yvonne and Yates by extension. At first Yates hated me as I was taking his mommy from him - yes dogs get jealous - but then he grudgingly started to respect me when I prepared his dinner for him and took him for walks. But he continued to stay suspicious of me because I also had a habit of bathing him - he started quietly plotting against me. One day, I came home and I saw that he had somehow gotten access to my sketchbook and, clearly disapproving of its contents, decided to rip out the ones he didn't like and leave little wads of paper everywhere. I brushed him for that (it was justified as he had shreds of paper in his fur and I'm a little neurotic about cleanliness - what a neurotic Jew? - nooo that's not possible - not to further another stereotype). Things escalated until one day, the two of us sat down to have a conversation about the state of our relationship. He admitted that he was plotting against me but that was only fair - and then he listed out my crimes - taking his mommy away, giving him baths, grooming him, brushing his teeth and "that thing" - by which he meant the vacuum cleaner. I said sorry and I explained to him that it was all for his benefit and I told him that we could share his mommy. He agreed but only on a 60-40 basis. Things got better after that and we became good friends and soon he was ok about me spending time with Yvonne as long as Yvonne was 30% and he was 70%. Rules were pretty clear: I come into the apartment and I had to greet him first - only after I had fully satisfied his needs would he then allow me to kiss Yvonne (only briefly and no hugging); I was only allowed to bathe him once every two weeks; he would allow me to brush him with only one type of brush as long as it didn't tug on his fur; he was allowed to come into our bed (by the way - important lesson to dog owners - when having sex - make sure that the dog is outside the bedroom or wherever one is doing it - their curiosity is not cute in those moments), climb onto the sofa and sit between Yvonne and me and the vacuum cleaner had to keep its distance (I bought a Roomba, by the way and he thought it was a rat from hell).

I miss the stupid guy. I wish that I could secretly steal him from Yvonne.  Not sure that she'd really notice - Yates latched onto me for a reason. Oh well - one day I'll own a dog again but I would dread the moment when I would have to explain to him that going to college just wasn't in the books for him.

Thinking about it, my ambition in life should be to become housewife to a super wealthy woman and supporter of PETA (note to self - the list of celebrities coming out is growing - check to see if Kate Beckinsale has come out yet) and spend my days in the lap of luxury with a big furry dog at my side. Not very feminist of me but there you go.