Someone said that the only value of being married is that someone will find your corpse. Being single now for - wow! over a year now! - and nearing my 31st birthday, I have to say that I want to find that special someone who will find my corpse. After Yvonne, I've been thinking about that person. Yvonne was nearly it. She is smart, beautiful, sexy and one of the few people who could put up with my BS. That and she could stand up to that creepy neighbor of hers. Well, I screwed up with her - and big time! Since then, while it's not as though my bed has not seen other people besides me (woohoo - double negative!) - I haven't really clicked with anyone. It's always *that* moment where it falls apart. I'm in a restaurant having an enjoyable dinner and I'm watching other people in the restaurant (I love people watching) and she can't stop talking, or it's Friday evening and I want to go out and I have to beg her to join me, or she's into Miley Cyrus, or she thinks that because I'm gay, I should like every other gay person in Seattle, or she's some right wing douchebag who has a thing for Nancy Grace, or she's some left wing douchebag who disses Israel or she hates cooking or she picks on one of my friends who does not have a university education....wow, it turns out that I'm harder to please than a bitch in heat.
Here's my list of partner criteria in no particular order:
She can make me laugh
We can do girl things together
She likes to cook or at least appreciate a fine dinner
She has an insatiable appetite in the bedroom (go figure...)
She's not a snob
She's not an antisemitic bitch (geee....I wonder why)
She puts up with my moods
She likes shoes and is ok if my shoes fill up her closet
She likes handbags and ditto regarding the aforesaid closet
She's ok if I'm kind of a slut sometimes and she sometimes tolerates my "panties are optional" moments (don't ask)
She prefers staying in the Waldorf Astoria over camping (by the way I hate mosquitoes, mud, insects, roughing it, hiking, trees that stand too close to me, bears that aren't 10 miles away from me, and smelling like I've been living under a bridge for the last 5 years - but aside from that - yay camping!)
She likes to go shopping (and especially if I magically end up with bags of Jimmy Choo shoes and Tory Burch handbags when I leave the mall)
She's ok about me and guns - I happen to like shooting them - just not at people (and by the way, I'm not against gun control - I truly believe that psychopaths should not have access to guns - apparently Republicans take issue with this stance)
She's believes that it took longer than 7 days to create the earth
She believes that dinosaurs and humans most likely did not go camping together (they were staying at the Waldorf Astoria actually)
She's also confused by the Jusus is ____ bumper stickers I see everywhere and she has a compulsion to follow the car and, when the owner parks, to get a sharpie and write "Imaginary".
She thinks those fish-lizard Evolution decals on cars just advertise "I'm a grade A douchebag who thinks he's really smart and fuck you if you're a church goer - dumb ass! - look how smart I am driving this beat up old Toyota Corolla that was manufactured in 1981"
She thinks that those fish decals advertise "I'm an insecure Christian who needs to tell the world that I believe because secretly I harbor doubts about the strength of my faith. Death to heathens. Really. Maybe."
She thinks those Coexist stickers advertise "I have no idea about world politics and I really don't want to understand because this politics thing is scary and complicated and peace dude. Give peace a chance. Make love not war. More wagging and less barking. Om Mani Padme Hum - that sounds all Eastern and spiritual and shit - so I thought I'd throw that in there too."
She thinks that Microsoft employees are all spawns of Satan especially when they drive
She totally digs motorcycle chicks - and especially my gorgeous Ducati
She looks great in leather (a girl's gotta have a fetish)
She can explain physics to me and can tolerate my blank look when she starts talking about quantum mechanics - but it's a total turn on for me and so she does this often
She totally digs my ripped body (it's not really that ripped - it's mildly torn) and does not stuff herself at Jack in the Box(unless really, really drunk and it's the only place to eat at 2AM in the morning because it just happens to be between her favorite nightclub and her apartment and she didn't have enough money for a taxi and she maxed out her credit cards and she just spent $50 on Manhattans, it's raining, fabric is a little too underrepresented on her body - but it's in the form of a mesh Stella McCartney mini dress!, her feet hurt like a bitch because she's been dancing in cheap stilettos, she has to walk home and she's hungry - all just hypothetically of course)
But most importantly...
She can fall in love with me